This is so sad I can not even begin to write about it in concrete words.

I would give everything up just to have normalcy and the opposite of interest in my life. I want to wake up with a simple life. I want to be like the next girl who would be so burdened with love life issues and random school related drama. I want to be burdened with problems where the solution is as simple as sleeping on it and letting it go.

There are many things I would trade for a normal life. No family drama, where you get the things you most desire, and a quiet life where I do not have to grip the pillows at night wishing things would be different.

On a lighter and funner note: I think I would gladly be in Katrina Halili's position right now. I will pretend cry in the senate about my sordid love affair with that doctor/director and then go home chuckling at all the circus this has all turned out to be. I am pretty damn sure she would wish to trade places with anyone as of the moment, although I do not think I am that selfish to give her my lot in life.

I am tired. I need a miracle.

I do not know what to say. I wanna remember this moment. I feel so scared and intimidated and afraid. I wanna hide and scream and shout and never be heard, all at the same time.

I wanna wake up to that day where I stand in those halls and take an oath, and be a lawyer. I have never wanted anything this bad. Only now have I actually admitted it.

There are many things I am so afraid of right now, except for the brutally obvious like failure and failure. I am afraid to face up to all the ghosts I had trailing.

• I do not wanna see a girl and her boyfriend, well, because I have to admit I do not like their faces. Because the fact that I am not in law school could easily mean failure, and the fact that they are is something they could hold up with pride against me. I would like to believe that I deserve to be in law school, just as much as they both are.
• I do not want to be rejected in that school I am applying to.
• I want to be able to be in law school.

I really want this so bad. Universe, please conspire with me. You do not know how this makes me so agitated and sad.

I think some of the things we really, really want are the things we are very afraid of. These are the wishes we have in our secret hearts, the wishes we hope to come true, the things which keep us up at night, and make us clutch our pillow in hopes that we do not mess it up.

We are afraid of these things which is why we build fortresses around ourselves to protect us. We tell ourselves we do not want these things, we pretend we are much better off without them, we act like we barely care about these things, we act like these things do not occupy our heads 24/7. But these things do, the way it is doing to me now.

Wish me Luck, I hope this time, I get it right.

After April 21: Universe-3, Kath-0.

As the old banality goes: when it rains, it pours. You better just be prepared to have a strong enough umbrella. Too bad, I did not even have a rain coat.

The Universe is a mad man with a shotgun on a rampage. Who, after randomly selecting her victims that fateful Wednesday morning, decided it was time to take out someone's hopes and dreams. Or everything. OR close to everything. Too bad, baby, I was wearing red that day, that Universe found me so easy to notice. And like a red cape to a bull, the universe will decide to take you down, until you say give up.

Universe-1, Kath-0.

First there was my mother's debilitating stroke. Faster than a monsoon, the Universe came to us with the bad news: your mom will never be normal, nor sane, nor ambulatory anymore. (Universe: *secret, evil laugh*)

Universe-2, Kath-0.

Then, poverty. My mom suffered a stroke. My mom is the only bread winner. My mom now needs some 3 thousand pesos a day for medicine. More for PT, and her other needs. Which hand of God can we get that money? We're not even working yet?

Okay, Universe, you win. Me and Viki will stop studying. You can stop laughing maniacally now.

Universe-3, Kath-0.

Just when I thought I had things figured out, here comes the bad news that will make me cry non-stop from Makati to Cubao to Novaliches: You're just not smart enough. or at least, not hard working enough. My classmate did not see my name on THE list. THE list which will validate me.

Okay, Universe, YOU WIN! No arguments here: you've pretty much taken everything from me.

The Universe is a mad man with a shotgun on a rampage. And it just so happened I was an easy target that day she went  on a field day to harvest some tears.

But this you must remember, Universe, (I'll let Bon Jovi do the talking):

~...catch me if you can
I'm going down in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I'm going down in a blaze of glory.

There's the dreaded hell week.

Oh yeah, you heard me right. Which mostly involves cramming 5 months of readings into your head, and making digests of 250+ cases which you have to pass in less than two weeks.

Pray for my retention. I promise to be more coherent next time.

period.



I swear, I prefer being flat broke than being dead beat for time. I've been told that in law school, your currency is time. The more you have of it, the richer you feel. Or something to that effect. I was too duck-waiting-to-be-shot that moment, I forgot the rest of the analogy.

( Not that you don't know it yet: BUT THERE ARE NOW 11 PLANETS IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM!! )

I wish I am not missing out on life so much, though. Too many flowers in Session rd in Baguio city, I can't even stop and smell even one of them.