2008 and 2009 had been one of the worst years of my life, if not the worst.

The truth is: I am not looking forward to anything at all as of the moment.

I remember a girl named Anna, I think I know too many Anna's in my life. I wonder why there are people who have a lot in their lives but they can not seem to be contented with what they have that they invent the sordid details of their lives.
( lj-cut entry inside )

Sometimes I think I need some help, but maybe that was just me being too maarte.

If only last.fm allows for retrieving of old data I would have erased that as well. My lack of a spine has only caused me to temporarily delete my twitter and facebook (again).

This is a tall order. One which requires more than the usual will and summoning of strength.

Sleep is hard to come by. You count more than a hundred sheep. Breathe deeper and deeper. Feign sleep for some twenty minutes and realize that you are only fooling yourself with all this lying down. But you lie down, because your body deserves it.

When you do get sleep, waking up is the hardest part. Yes, you are awake. You stare longer. You breathe shallow. Yet you have no desire to move or be alive.

This morning my desire came from the fact that I wanted to wash my pillows. And the fact that a stranger rang my number by mistake, thinking I was someone else. That was it. At this rate, I think I need a wake-up call every morning until real life come backs to my body.

On the good side, I am glad she is happy now. She can have all the cake, the coffee, the ice cream, and the coke zeros she likes. That in itself is enough.

This morning, I was looking for my favorite white dress. The one I wore last year on my birthday.

This is a difficult act. One which entails being strong and knowing that this act of letting go of my favorite dress is something perpetual.

My mom is dying. At this very moment. She is 54.

There is an infinite sadness which walks in my shoes. However, walk requires lifting of feet off of the ground. It requires the fleeting defiance of gravity, however momentary. Perhaps, dragging is more like it.

There is an infinite sadness which drags in my shoes.

This morning I was crying because of a love affair gone sordid. That which I will not discuss here anymore. I came home, a little after 5pm to lay my head down and rest. One would think that after all the emotional distress one goes through that refuge is one which is offered the weary. 

Laugh harder.

Some thirty minutes after sitting down and lying my head on the sofa, my mom's brother and sister come knocking. Understand that these are the same people who took her from us then and again. These are our estranged relatives who have severed ties from us, and excommunicated us as if they were the Catholic Church. These are the same people who blame us for everything which happened to our mother.

Laugh more.

They came here, after almost seven months of not talking to us, after seven months of avoiding us, after seven months of letting us all to do this on our own, something which requires the patronage and understanding of those who should have known better. We had heated exchange of words, about things which they believed can be done better. Things which if they did, they would do better. We hate to say we told you so. You are wrong.

This morning, I was sad because I thought that the epic sadness of the day is ruled by my heartbreak. It is funny to me how the universe reveals its sick, sad, sordid sense of humor by showing me that, indeed, things will only get worse. I am laughing now because when the universe decides to make a big joke out of your life, and sad condition, it picks the worst times.

Life is a Joke, Laugh harder, Laugh more.